The Deep State

I retired early from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and I now live in Upstate New York, where there are more than a few “anti-government” types. I am endlessly perplexed at the sheer paranoia people have about “THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT”. Y’all are giving us WAY too much credit. Way.

Before I retired, the incoming Administration referred to Federal employees as “the Deep State”, even though A. we never heard that term before and B. we’ve been through multiple administrations of both parties, which, up until then, was just fine. Not our first rodeo people! In a flash, we were reviled and looked down upon suspiciously. They even checked our Facebook feeds for nefarious postings, like we were there to torpedo whatever they had planned.[1] Meanwhile, we were all like “Dudes, just tell us what you want and we’ll get it/do it for you.”

If we were the Deep State, we either didn’t know it and/or we were really bad at it, and all the Administration had to do was contact our Admin person for her input.  She banned us all from changing the toner cartridge because in her humble opinion, we were idiots.[2] Also, there was always someone in a state of apoplexy because SOMEONE (I don’t know who, but we suspected Dave) kept stealing our Lean Cuisine Chicken Cordon Bleu from the fridge. We were dealing with some high-level shit, so we had no time for Deep Stating. We were too busy contacting the ACME company and rigging anvils above the fridge to catch Dave stealing our Lean Cuisine.[3]

At that time, morale was low in most of the government agencies, but none more than the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), who kept “taking it in the shorts” with every conservative administration. It’s as if they didn’t want PCPs removed from their drinking water. The EPA hobbled along, trying to clean the United States of toxic sludge, but that just made the politicals madder. So EPA got their funding slashed. In protest, at least one EPA employee went off the rails.

In the federal government we had infinite “Required Training”, largely because someone didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do illegal/unsavory things. Trainings like “Credit Card Protocols”, “Federal Information Management and Technology Awareness”, and “Why it’s Frowned Upon in the Federal Government to Masturbate in your Cubicle”.[4] That’s right, an Investigator General found out someone in the EPA was looking at porn on their government computer and then expressing their appreciation of this art in their cubicle. I don’t get it either, mostly because I can’t get past the story lines. (e.g. Why is that pizza guy wearing shiny shorts and sunglasses inside the house? Isn’t he cold?)[5]

Please understand that we in the Federal Government have been through a lot. Just before they started offering early retirement[6],I was told that my job of listing foreign species under the Endangered Species Act (ESA), which I LOVED, was “no longer a priority for this Administration”[7]. Then, I got my budget zeroed out and my team reallocated to other programs. I was inconsolable. But never once did I think that “spanking a primate” in my office would be a good idea. NOT ONCE.[8] (Or is it “spanking THE primate”? # BiologistHumor)

Obviously, morale in the federal government was, and probably still is, an issue.[9] Therefore, to address the low morale, we in the Fish and Wildlife Service underwent an effort to “improve our culture”, which made everyone in the office whine even more than usual[10]. We created teams to come up with how we would reach the goals of “communicating better” and “How to Make the Office a Productive and Fun Place to Work”, aka the “Fun Team”. I was on the “Fun Team”. But then all the people that hate fun joined the “Fun Team” and summarily tried to get the word “fun” struck from the goal (TOTALLY true story). They said “I don’t come to work to have fun.” Well kids, you came to the right place.

In my quest to bring more “fun” to the office, I tried to arrange activities for “Bring Your Kid To Work” day, but unbeknownst to me, most of our supervisors hated kids.  Who would have thought people who hate fun also hated kids? Anyway, they didn’t like my idea of letting kids stop by their office so they could tell them a little about what they do, you know, to plant a seed for the next generation of biologists, contaminant specialists, outreach specialists and scientists? So they came up with an alternative.

One supervisor said, “I think we should do a PowerPoint that all the kids could watch, that shows them what we do.” And all the other supervisors-that-hate-kids agreed. I thought “Right, because what 10-year-old doesn’t love sitting in a chair in a government conference room for an hour watching a PowerPoint about extinction and all the carcinogens that are in his Lunchables?”

It may surprise you that despite my rantings here, I was viewed by many at work as being “Polyanna-ish”, which, according to Merriam-Webster[11], means “a person characterized by irrepressible optimism and a tendency to find good in everything,” largely because I chose to put out positive energy, and refrained from stabbing people in the head with a biodegradable spork. I fought this urge EVERY. DAMNED. DAY.[12]

So, even though I loved my job, when I was offered early retirement, I thought it would be a good time to go. I wasn’t good at being the Deep State, mostly because I don’t know what they’re talking about and it’s stupid and not worth my energy. There were simply not enough biodegradable sporks on the planet to help me deal with that bullshit.  

[1] I’ve never hidden my “pro-chicken” stance on Facebook, and I’m not about to start.

[2] She wasn’t wrong. I found a sock in the paper tray once.

[3] We know it was you Dave.

[4] True story. Turns out someone from the EPA didn’t get that memo and now the ENTIRE federal government has to suffer. THANKS EPA!

[5] I haven’t seen porn since 1979

[6] It was the “prevailing” thought that there were too many “deep state actors” in the Federal Government and that offering them an opportunity to retire early and enjoy a wonderful retirement was going to show us who’s boss.

[7] If you are wondering why the U.S. is listing foreign species under the Endangered Species Act, it’s because we are one of the largest consumers of wildlife (live, dead, parts and products) in the world, and the ESA was established in part so that U.S. citizens would not contribute to the global decline of species. Just go to Madison Avenue and marvel at all the reptile skin and fur products.

[8] Seriously EPA. Still pissed.

[9] I had to attend a mandatory meeting on employee morale that no one invited me to.

[10] So much whining.

[11] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Pollyanna

[12] Are you starting to see why I needed to retire early?